It's not easy to write this, but I went handle down at about 1300 meters. I was on track for a 7:16, but not the 7:14 I was hoping for, and somehow I just felt too lousy to keep going. I didn't fly and die, either. I followed my plan and was negative splitting. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden it felt like I just could not go on. I have some flu-like symptoms, but doubt that would be enough to make me feel like I needed to stop.
I think I might have put just a bit too much pressure on myself. That's probably a monumental understatement. I'm learning a lot about myself through this process. A friend of a friend came to my erg (I was seeded #1 so I was on the very end) and started trying to talk to me and I just about missed the start of the darned race and ended up grabbing the handle in a panic. It took me 500m to get over being angry at myself for being so stupid. All in all, this was a pretty abysmal day.
So it's time to try to fight the sore throat, earache, upset stomach, and feelings of despair and work on a plan for Boston.
Our club has its own 2K indoor sprint next weekend. After about 5 hours of contemplation (and a bit of a pity party to be honest), I've decided to go row the 2K there and then get my butt to Boston. I will then know I can do a good 2K, and it would otherwise feel as if I wrote about 28 chapters of my first novel and scrapped the manuscript before writing the final two. I'd just never forgive myself after training so hard (possibly too much, thinking about that, too.)
I was just thinking yesterday (since my hubby is under the weather) that I've been so lucky not to get sick through this training, and I'm still not sure if what happened today is physical, part physical, some character defect, or some of both (my guess), but I hate quitters and am going to have to work to forgive myself for putting that handle down and walking away.
I hope this experience will render some sort of benefit down the road. I'd like to think so. I'm not too proud of myself at the moment.
